Creative Writing, Writing Challenge

We are not friends

Facebook Messenger 

— October 18, 2015 —

Barry Hiddleston 7:52pm 

Hello, I live in #27. I found your profile through our neighborhood’s group page. Anyway, I would like to address the fact that your dog charges at my cat every time you take him outside. Kindly keep him on your leash. The brown one, not the white one, although his barking does get scarey. Thank you.

Leila Hanaumi 8:04pm

Hi Barky,

Thank you for complimenting Yorick (the white one) on his vocal abilities. When I adopted him 11 months ago (it will be our one-year anniversary in only two weeks), I actually thought he was mute. “What an interesting combination,” I said to myself, me being deaf and Yorick being mute. It reminded me of Stephen King’s book, The Stand, which was ridiculously long. The only thing more ridiculous than the length was the fact that one of the characters, Nick Andros, was deaf AND mute. 99% of deaf people aren’t mute, including myself. Just because we don’t communicate with our voices does not mean that we cannot produce sound. It was really audist of Stephen King, don’t you think? But in this situation with Yorick and myself, it made more sense since I am deaf and un-mute and Yorick is mute and un-deaf. Except, as it turns out, Yorick was never mute, just shy. I am still deaf, though. So, I need my dogs to alert me of any potential dangers lurking outside of my house. Ripley (the brown one) is very good at that. Does your cat have rabies? I recently Googled (that is a slang which means I looked it up on the Internet) rabies and it says that it is deadly when left untreated. Its fatality rate is 100%, in fact. This astounded me. Did you realize how dangerous your feline is? Thank goodness I have my un-mute dogs to protect me. Please tell your cat to stay away from me.

Your friend,

Leila in #6

— October 19, 2015 —

Barry Hiddleston 7:18am

No, my cat does not have rabies. It is your responsibility as a dog-owner to ensure that they do not attack other pets. The whole reason I moved into this gated home community was so that my cat could enjoy the outdoors whenever she pleases and it would be completely contradictory if your dogs kept scareing her. I understand that you are deaf and like I said, the barking isn’t the issue here, it is the attacking so please keep your dogs on a leash. And my name is Barry. Thanks.

Leila Hanaumi 9:27am

Dear Scarey Barrey,

Before I put my protector on a leash, I would like to see a doctor’s note. Until I have some kind of evidence that your cat is rabies-free, I refuse to restraint Ripley and endanger my own life. Also, you originally said just the brown one, now it appears that you are also expecting the white one to be put on a leash? Please clarify the plural use of “dogs”. I also would like to emphasize that in no way am I accusing you of being a liar. I once accused an elderly woman of lying about having fake teeth and then she took not only her teeth but her gum off, too. The fake gum was attached to the fake teeth. It was so scarey that I cried loudly, because I am un-mute like we previously discussed. That frightened her and she dropped her fake teeth and fake gum in my cup of water. She also had arthritis, so I had to dig it out for her. After she left, I was so dehydrated from the scarey experience that I really needed to drink some water. I was waiting for the city bus by myself and there was no water fountain nearby. I Googled “dehydration” and discovered that I had 8 of the 10 symptoms, so I had no choice but to drink from my water cup. After that, I made a promise to never accuse anyone of lying ever again. So, I am not saying that you are being a liar. I am saying that your cat is potentially life-threatening and for my own safety, I will need you to submit a doctor’s note of your cat being rabies-free between 10:19 and 10:23 AM today. Slide it under my front door while wearing a hat and sunglasses, thank you.

Your friend,

Leila in #6

Leila Hanaumi 9:44am

Also, if you have any ideas of what I should do for my one-year anniversary with Yorick, I’m all eyes. (I said eyes, not ears, because I am deaf and I do not tolerate audist behavior.)

Barry Hiddleston 12:11pm

First of all, there is no e in my name. It is just Barry. Secondly, if you absolutely must have proof, I will take a picture of my cat’s medical history which includes her rabies shot. I will just attach it here. I was working during that stupid time slot you gave me. We are living in 2015, people don’t need to slide things under people’s doors anymore. And please stop telling me irrelevant stories.

Leila Hanaumi 2:19pm

Dear Scary Barry,

You must think I am feeble-minded. I am perfectly aware that this is year 2015. I am also aware of the things that are included in the year 2015, which is stuff like Photoshop. I would not accept anything that you send through Facebook, because it has most likely gone through some kind of photo manipulation. I Googled it and it says that at least 70% of photos are filtered before people post them up on Social Media. I need to see a real doctor’s note that has a doctor’s signature on it and without the Sierra or Earlybird or any of the other filters. Again, this is not me calling you a liar.

Also, since you did not get back to me on ideas of how to celebrate Yorick and my one-year anniversary, I can only assume that you have been racking your brain for a mind-blowing suggestion. I truly appreciate this, Scary Barry. I think it is a great idea to have a party at your home, because Yorick gets nervous and bark-y if we go too far from our home. Since your house is only approximately 220 steps away (I counted earlier this morning while you were at work. I also noticed that you left the bathroom light on. That is an unnecessary electric bill spending.) it would be a perfect location for a party for us. Somewhere new, but not too far away. I will invite all the dogs in this neighborhood. No cats allowed, please.

Your friend,

Leila in #6

Barry Hiddleston 5:46pm

What? Are you an idiot?? I never said anything about having a party at my house! Absolutely not. Do not come near my house again. Just keep your dogs on a leash and stay on the grassy areas near your own house. And my name is just Barry!!

Barry Hiddleston 6:08pm

Why did I just get an event invitation to a “Dogs Only, No Cats Allowed Please” party at my house this weekend? I said no! cancel it now.

Leila Hanaumi 6:13pm

Dear just Barry!!,

I don’t appreciate you flaking out on us. However, I can understand how awkward it must be to host a party in your own home and not invite your cat. I will edit the event name to “Dogs Only, No Cats Allowed Please Unless They Are Rabies-Free” and clearly instruct the cat-owners to slide their doctor’s notes under my door between 10:19 and 10:23 AM today while wearing sunglasses and a hat. If cat-owners cannot follow this simple request, then they are probably too stupid to be our friends and we would not want them at this party anyway. I think this resolves everything. Thank you, just Barry!!

P.S. I told everyone that you would get us a keg. Any kind is fine, just not XX. Their Most Interesting Man In the World ads really bug me. I am sure you feel the same way.

Your friend,

Leila in #6

Barry Hiddleston 6:20pm

no!! cancel the event right now. this is unacceptable. forget everything, i will just build a fence in my backyard for my cat. please don’t message me anymore. we are not friends.

Leila Hanaumi 6:43pm

Dear just Barry!!,

It is with a heavy heart that I do this. Believe me, I went through this several times. I checked and re-checked, but all evidence points to the crystal-clear truth. Now I must declare: I accuse you of being a liar. We are, in fact, friends. You sent me a friend request at the same time as your first message to me yesterday at approximately 6:52pm and I promptly accepted your touching offer of friendship. I have also cordially signed each of my messages to you with “Your friend, Leila in #6” and I received no corrections. For 23 hours, I was led to believe by you that we were friends. To add insult to injury, it was only one hour shy from it being our one-day anniversary of us being friends. I was planning on surprising you with a muffler for your rabies-full cat, because as our friendship grew, so did my concern for your safety while you sleep in the same house as a dangerous creature. Now that I have caught you in the horrendous act of lying, I have no choice but to un-friend you. You have one opportunity to make it up to me and that is by getting a keg of any kind beer EXCEPT for XX because we have a mutual hatred for those Most Interesting Man In the World ads.

Your un-friend,

Leila in #6

Barry Hiddleston 6:50pm

i’m reporting you. don’t contact me again and CANCEL THAT EVENT

Leila Hanaumi 6:53pm

ok

Barry Hiddleston 6:55pm

ok you will not contact me again or ok you will cancel the event that you’re hosting at my house???

Barry Hiddleston 6:59pm

hello???

Writing challenge prompt 9/30: Make a David Thorne E-mail thread style post. 

Author’s note: This prompt was given to me by a friend. This is a work of fiction and does not reflect my opinion on cats. 

Advertisements
Standard

One thought on “We are not friends

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s